What I Wish For You

I worry all the time about now, about the future, about your safety… I wonder if it is just me or if it is all mothers who feel this way… 

My greatest wish for you is that you are always joyful of heart and that you are a good and kind boy, always considerate about others. Everything else I wish for you is secondary to this. 


Dad Passing Away

Dear Ave

My dear daddy – and your wonderful, kind, wise papa – passed away a few short weeks after you were born. I take some solace in the fact that he was able to see you over Skype before he passed away. 

I can’t tell you about a more wonderful or amazing man (other than your  dad) that I have ever known. I was so proud of him and always so proud to tell people about him, his wonderful and wise ways and the wonderful and wise advice he always gave my sisters and I.

One of my fondest memories was of sitting on the kitchen floor having these long conversations with him late into the night and into the early morning hours.

Dad was a gents suiting tailor and he was great at what he did. He always looked for a finesse in his work. He taught me too to look at a suit critically and I found myself doing that on occasion when watching television. Your poor dad’s suits had a lot to live up to with my critical eye. But I digress… 

Dad was also very well read. He was a voracious reader and he had many many books. He was interested in ‘everything’ or so it seemed. He did however have specific interests that he indulged in more than others, such as vitamins, alternative cures, tailoring, maths and physics. He loved paper crafting (he made the most elaborate cribs for Christmas) and also loved riddles. He did the crossword that came in the daily paper religiously! In fact he even did it a day or two before he passed away. His mind was very sharp… right to the end, even though his memory did seem to be failing somewhat…

Ave, how MUCH I loved and admired him and I wonder if he ever knew. I was SO proud of him and it broke my heart that you and he could not have gotten to experience each other more than you did.


Having My Baby

My Dear Ave

Nothing can match the happiness of having you in my life. 

Having a baby…

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that everyone’s experience is different.

No two people that I have spoken to have had the exact same experience.

My experience…

Pregnancy – Morning sickness was a real downer during my pregnancy; the constant feeling of nausea was hard to come to terms with. Sometimes I’d just wait to fall asleep so that I could escape the feeling. Throwing up would give me some respite, but not always. In addition to that, during my early pregnancy months everything seemed to have a heightened smell; the way I described it was that ‘everything seemed to have a smell, even the humidity’. Then there was the fatigue. Car sickness. The weird tastes in my mouth, how nothing quite tasted as it should and I was repulsed by a whole slew of food I otherwise enjoyed…

I was just waiting to be done with this and have all these feelings return to ‘normal’ or rather as I had known them to be before.

But at the same time I was nervous about how my life would change after you was here… would I be able to cope and manage…

Giving Birth – I started feeling mild  contractions around midnight and these slowly grew in intensity as the night progressed and through the next day… I decided to go to the hospital the next evening at around 6pm; you didn’t come till exactly 11:54pm. I had decided not to take an epidural… Why? I’m not exactly sure. I do know however that I was intensely against taking one but at the same time wanted to keep the option open if I felt I needed to take one later. I don’t think I regretted my decision not to take one. When I think back on the experience I feel that can’t fully recollect the pain I experienced, I do know however without a smidgen of doubt that pushing out the baby was the most excruciating part of the experience. Because for the longest time it felt like no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t push you out! You finally did come out and the pain of those final minutes I do remember vaguely…

Reaction to Seeing You – I had a mild moment of shock when I saw you and the size you were… I was thinking did you really come out of me… But I can never describe the joy I felt at holding my baby… joy that melts and warms my heart to this day.